“If we can practice defensive driving, we can learn how to practice defensive communication.”
This is inspired by an experience facilitating a board of directors’ retreat for an association undergoing a rebranding. While the board was excited about the new direction the organization was taking, the changes were met with swift and fierce negative reactions from longstanding members, who felt excluded from the decision-making process. In the end, the issue wasn’t so much the new name or logo, but how the changes were implemented. This incident exposed several rifts between the board and the membership.
The retreat aimed to address these tensions and develop a strategic plan, however, that isn’t quite how it all played out. The more I tried to push forward, the more resistance I faced. Long story short, I had become the raw meat and they pounced, leaving me feeling dejected and defeated.
However, with any “failure” comes the opportunity to learn, to reflect, and to grow. I realize now that I should have paused the retreat to discuss the resistance I was observing and engage the participants in a conversation versus trying to push forward. An essential part of communicating during conflict is understanding the root cause of the conflict. Addressing the proverbial elephant in the room can be daunting, but it’s necessary to unblock resistance.
When people are convinced their way is the right way, resolving issues becomes challenging. In such situations, it’s common to feel threatened, fearful, and unsure, especially when you feel solely responsible for the project’s outcome.
This experience taught me valuable lessons in defensive communication. Acknowledging and addressing resistance openly can pave the way for more productive discussions and a more cohesive strategy. By creating an environment where everyone feels heard and understood, we can navigate conflicts more effectively and foster a culture of trust and collaboration.
Here are a few tips to manage conflict and practice defensive communication where you’re the one on the hot seat:
- Keep calm and carry on.
While these words have become somewhat overused in recent years, in 1939 they appeared on British motivational posters to keep morale high as the country prepared for war. When facing angry employees or unhappy clients, the most important thing you can do is keep your emotions in check. If you let your emotions overtake you, you can’t think or act clearly. - Don’t react immediately.
Unless someone is making a serious verbal or physical threat, don’t react. Just listen. Let them vent. Often their frustration has built up over time. They need to express those concerns and feel that they are being heard. It doesn’t mean you honor all their requests. It means that you listen and acknowledge what they have said. - Buy time.
If someone is yelling and getting angrier, calmly say, “I see you’re upset. Let’s take a break and talk later.” If they persist, say, “I don’t do well with yelling, so I need a break. I’ll come back later to discuss this.” This approach allows both parties time to calm down and reflect. - Avoid getting defensive.
During a conversation, listen objectively to disagreements. Maybe they have a valid point. Acknowledge their frustration instead of being defensive and making excuses. Ask clarifying questions like, “Where do you think I missed the mark on the proposal?” and affirm their concerns: “Yes, we’re just as disappointed as you are about the profits.” - Think forward.
Don’t get stuck blaming or accepting blame for mistakes. Admit errors, apologize if needed, and focus on solutions and prevention. For example, “Profits are down due to higher labor and material costs. We plan to…” or “I missed spelling errors in the proposal. My co-worker will review it before I send it next time.” - Stand tall in the face of conflict.
More than likely there will be a team member or executive who gets animated and is relentless in their criticism, while others sit silently watching everything unfold, deciding who to support. Human nature tends to favor the stronger (louder) party. Take a deep breath, manage your anxiety, and confidently stand by your ideas. Maintaining strong body language will help avoid showing distress to prevent further pushing and escalation. - ”Adopt “neutral face.”
In meetings, distractions about personal tasks or reactions to colleagues can inadvertently show on our faces, making us seem hostile. To avoid this, practice maintaining a neutral expression. Use a mirror to observe and understand your happy, angry, or sad expressions. Find your neutral face and remember what thoughts help maintain it. A tip: imagine you’re on a calm Sunday walk when situations get tough. It works.
The key to managing conflict is to stay in control of your emotions and perspectives and practice defensive communication strategies. Don’t be anyone else’s raw meat, letting others consume your views or even your identity. You can stand firm against someone trying to steamroll you or tell you who you are while remaining open to other points of view.
